The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, that he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the monsignor how he could relax.
The Monsignor said "next Sunday it may help you if you put some vodka in the water picture and after a few sips everything will go smoothly."
The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into action and was able to talk up a storm! He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory he found a note from the Monsignor:
1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
5. The recommended grace before a meal is not Rub-a-Dub -Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God!"
6. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
7. Do not refer to our Savior Jesus and the Apostles, as "J.C. and the boys."
8. The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are NEVER referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior and the spook."
9. It is always the "Virgin Mary" never "Mary with a Cherry."
10. Last, but not least, next week there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffies.
11. We don't refer to Judas as "El Finko."
12. Moses parted the water at the Red Sea, he didn't pass water.
13. The Pope is consecrated not castrated and we don't call him "Godfather."
. When Jesus broke bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this. Eat it, for it is my body." He didn't say, "Eat me."
15. David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he wasn't "stoned off his ass."
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