What Job Applicants Really Mean

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I''m usually on Prozac. When I''m not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG

COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

I''M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I''ve used Microsoft Office.

I''M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don''t ask me about all the McJobs I''ve had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.

I''M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I''ll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.

I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.

I''M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

I''M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere''s better.

I''M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS: You''re probably looking for someone more experienced.

I AM ADAPTABLE: I''ve changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO: I''m never at my desk.

I''M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I''m outta there.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING: I''m a college drop-out.

I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS: I''ve been accused of sexual harassment.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION: Wait! Don''t throw me away!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON: Like, I''m gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career