When Santa Runs Out Of Prozac

15 Dec, 07 12:00 AM | In Santa Jokes | By
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Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck.
Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey

Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. Christmas Eve, while you sleep, I'm
gonna torch your house.  You'll have more fire trucks than you'll
know what to do with.
- Santa

 

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for
my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can
do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the
babysitter?  He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane,
son!  Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
- Santa


Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
or your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face.
You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and
some Toblerone.
-Santa

 

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE
- Jimmy

Jimmy,
That whiney-begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
- Santa

 

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend
most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all
my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
- Santa

 

Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all
yeer.
YeR FReND, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare
specialist.  How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn
to read and write?  I'm giving your older brother the space
ranger, at least HE can spell!
-Santa

 

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody! 
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
- Santa

 

Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemon
cards than me. Please see what you can do. 
Love, Michelle

Dear Michelle,
It blows my fucking mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy
hundreds of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you
snot-nosed brats are even learning to play the game. Let me get
you something more your speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
- Santa

 

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog,
a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who the fuck names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
- Santa

 

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song? 
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping
your house...
- Santa

 

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky"; that's why you're getting
your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house,
that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I
get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your
bedroom window. Sweet Dreams!
- Santa

please wait...


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